To The Moon (An Open Letter To My Mother)

Mother,

I love you. That is something I can never change. You gave birth to me, willingly. You fed me, took care of me, raised me. Mom, I am growing up now. You did what you could and you didn't fail. I am able. I understand, I can make my own choices, deal with my own consequences. I wish I could trust you enough to talk to, to ask for your advice.

I am not Catholic. I don't think I ever was. But I do believe in God. In this family, it makes it feel as if I was some sort of disease.

I am sad that I grew up with the feeling that you and dad left the family behind because of religion. And for that, I am sorry. Eventially, I will figure out what to do with that. I'm sorry I cause you so much pain. I'm sorry I was selfish in returning those childish feelings with revenge.

I am not sorry for making my own decisions. I am sad you don't support me. I am sad because I feel like you don't accept me just because I'm not Catholic. I dont want to be miserable anymore. If I ask for your prayers, it's because I know you pray.

Right now, I am afraid of losing someone. Don't tell me not to ask for prayer. Don't call me a hypocrite. Don't say I don't deserve it. And don't say I am not worth it.

I am. I am a human being and as such, I am worth it.

With Respect and Love,

Your Daughter

This I Believe

Long ago, I wrote an essay on something I believed in. I chose to write about love. When I went back to read it, I found that my writing sounded like a teenager's, which, I was at the time but it really was just like a diary entry. I suppose you could imagine my disappointment. However, I found so much in that box...

Then I played and finished a game: To The Moon. It has to be one of the best games I have ever played. The music, the story... it had me in tears. I was crying a River (if you have played it, you will get my pun).

Now I am sitting on this corner of the universe, tears dry, trying to think of how I would re-write that paper while at the same time, juggling the emotions from the game. Maybe it will come to me. I have the theme song playing on repeat and I am not tired of it, yet. Here is a list of my favorite games in no particular order:

To The Moon
Golden Sun Series
Journey
Zelda: Twilight Princess, Skyward Sword, Majora's Mask, Ocarina of Time
Kingdom Hearts Series (Yes, ALL of them)
Fire Emblem
Skyrim
Minecraft
Persona 4 Golden

What or whom do you love?

X-mas

After my super negative post, I felt horrible. I think I said too much. I know I can't take it back but... it was truth. So... I survived Christmas. On a positive note, I am happy that this Christmas was just "meh." At the very least it did not involve tears. You have to count your victories, you know?

We arrived late to church and I may not be religious but I must say, I always feel relaxed when I sit there. My mind goes to certain places. When we got home, I was in a good mood so I decided to play games with my sister. We played games until the food was ready. There was even a nice, happy moment. We were playing Mario Kart Wii and we made my mom play. God, we should've filmed it. So much laughter.

Once we finished our meal, we played a bit more and then everyone retired to their rooms. We don't do family very well I suppose. I am afraid that I will do the same once I have my own. I strive and hope that it is not that way.

Regardless, the friends and people that I have met sent me wonderful wishes for a happy Christmas and it made me super happy. I feel that the connections we make with people on this Earth make everything worth it. My goal is to create my own family, out of the people that surround me.

I used to want nothing but happiness. Now, I have realized that yearning for feelings is harmful because they are fleeting. As the New Year approaches, I hope that I can become a decent human being. I have fucked up so much. Plus, I am becoming an asshole. I hope I get to welcome it with my sweet.

I hope you all had a happy Christmas. I love that this is the only time of year when everyone is in a good mood and for once, we become united.

Count your victories.

Grinching It Up

Perhaps something is horribly wrong with me. It is Christmas Eve and here I am, in my room, in this corner of the Earth, "grinching" it up and hoping that Christmas passes and I leave unscathed. My parents and lovely sister had a meal earlier today and I ditched. I was not here for Thanksgiving and I wish I was not here for Christmas. The only person I would care about seeing today (and even then, just for a little bit) would be my sister.

I believe it happened sometime when I was younger. This disconnect. It controls my life. Since I ditched the family food, I went to make something. You know what I ate this Christmas Eve? Instant Ramen. I was dreading the fact that I had to be around the parentals for just the five minutes it takes to make the stuff and then my mom said this to my father: "When are we going to take Leslie to play ball in the park?"

Now, hold the goddamn phone. Are you shitting me? Is there some memo I didn't get? Am I not old as shit now? There is absolutely no way that the person I am now would enjoy playing goddamn ball in the park surrounded by loving parents. Call me morbid, an asshole, fucked up. Goddamn it I am tired of playing nice.

I am becoming--scratch that-- I am embracing the asshole in me. I am mean. And I would need more than just this blog for you to know or even begin to understand why I became this way. For now, this should be enough:

I do not like Christmas. I do not like my birthday (other people's are awesome though). I do not like family time. I do not even like my family (although I do appreciate, and do not hate my immediate family). Maybe New Year's is the only thing I am ok with. Because it means a blank slate.

Maybe that's all I need. A spanking brand new, white piece of paper.

私が始めることを約束

I destroyed the other blog I had in order to begin a new one.  If you would like to see the old one, I will leave a link somewhere on this blog. If you can find it, well, damn. The old blog is... I'll let you be the judge of that.

Everyone needs a fresh start every so often, wouldn't you agree? In my case, how many freaking new starts can I possibly have? I have so many, every freaking day is a new start. I can't decide if this is good or bad. On this topic, there was once an old lady that told me a story about the sun that had to do with new beginnings. She said:

God made a promise to all of humanity:

As long as the sun keeps shining, there is always hope for new beginnings.

Leave all of your past with the darkness

And invite the light, move forward.

Like I said, I have had my fair share of new beginnings. I feel that maybe, new beginnings are what make humanity amazing (one of the many reasons). People change, they grow, they learn, they suffer all the while, they are able to pick themselves back up and start again. I have seen it over and over. The world keeps reminding me that this promise is real. I am not religious or spiritual. I believe I am only human and I believe in kindness.

Even with all this, as Christmas approaches, I am often reminded of how lonely I feel. Fresh starts don't come with a "get-rid-of-loneliness" button. Sometimes I think that this all has to do with myself. I go through bouts of depression. Since two years ago, and maybe even before, depression becomes a cycle. I barely made it this semester. Ugh... gotta keep moving.

Do you believe in new beginnings? If you don't, why not?